Save second base...

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits. -Rocky Balboa

So Monday I had, and failed, my first mammogram. I guess I should have studied. The irony that this news comes to me in October, Breast Cancer Awareness month, has not escaped me. So now what, I get to go to the breast center (which I'm pretty sure is not nearly as sexy as the name would suggest) for another mammogram and an ultrasound. As I've been waiting and worrying, it has occured to me that maybe this is God's way of putting my present circumstances into perspective for me. Yes, I am a survivor of rape. Yes, I was a virgin when I was raped. Yes, I destroyed my first marriage because I was in so much emotional pain over the trauma of my past that the only way I knew how to cope was to pull the pin on my self destruct grenade. Yes, I've spent so many years running away from that pain that all I was actually doing was helping it with its conditioning so when I did I finally stop running earlier this spring, I found a much stronger opponent than I was expecting. Yes, I'm alone and that scares the shit out of me most days. But I'm still alive, none of these "yes's" have taken me out of the game.

But breast cancer might. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, the reality is that it's most likely nothing and I will be fine, but this has been a wake up call. Though I look at the above quote from Rocky Balboa multiple times, every day (it's next to my bed, on my bathroom mirror, above my sink, next to my desk, you get the picture) it has taken on new meaning for me this week. Nothing is going to ever hit me as hard as life. I've walked through hell and survived, no one in this life can throw anything at me as tough as that journey, but life itself might hit me hard enough to knock me to my knees and keep me there permenantly this time. I've also realized that if the news isn't what I want to hear, I am strong and I will fight. I'm willing to take the hit and keeping moving forward.

So here's where saving second base comes in. Because it is Breast Cancer Awareness month, there is an app on Facebook that allows you to post a bra on your page in honor of the cause. One of my friends did just that and a comment from another friend was "Save second base!!!!" That got me thinking that my greatest ally in every fight has been my sense of humor so while I wait this one out, I've decided to embrace that ally by putting that sentiment on a...wait for it...t-shirt. Save second base.