Always be prepared…

This is not a motto I subscribe to...apparently. I wish I had learned that motto somewhere along the line because this morning I asked a question of my husband and was only prepared for one answer…and you guessed it, that was not the answer I got. Maybe it’s because I was never a Girl Scout…I was a Blue Bird for a little while, but that’s as far I got in Campfire Girls and I don’t remember learning that motto. I do remember learning how to read a compass, in fact, I still have the one I got in Campfire Girls 35 years ago. Even when I’ve lost everything, which has happened a couple of times in my life, I’ve still managed to keep that compass. My obsession with making sure I never lose track of it is both ironic and perhaps pathological. But I never did learn that whole “be prepared” thing.

“Can’t it just be us? Please say your mom will be out of the picture so I can come back home…I want to come back home.” Can’t it just be us was my question, “no” was the answer. It seems ridiculous that this has hit me so hard. I moved out nine months ago, we’ve been to a couple different lawyers, we’ve talked about custody and financial settlements…the fact that our relationship is really over should not come as an earth-shattering-cut-me-to-my-heart-how-am-I-ever-going-to-get-over-you shock, but it has. There is no going back, there is no fixing it, there is no “us” anymore. That’s really what this is about, there is no “us” anymore and without an “us” I don’t know who I am.

When I asked the question, I wasn’t expecting a “yes”…but I wasn’t prepared for a cold as ice “no” either. So now, as a friend has told me time and time again recently, the healing can begin. I’m not sure I’m prepared for that either. Healing hurts. It’s messy, it’s full of tears and stomach aches and sleepless nights. It comes with insomnia, bad movie marathons, the requisite non-working hours uniform of flannel pajamas and his old bathrobe that I took when I left, and headaches. It comes at great cost. You will no doubt tell me the payoff is worth it in the end but please spare me that nugget of wisdom for the time being because I’m not at all in a place to believe you. Not anywhere close. The truth is, I don’t know where I’m at. This is uncharted territory for me. So maybe, just maybe, this is why I’ve kept that compass all these years…