I’m not the light in the refrigerator…

Shortly after we were engaged, my future mother-in-law showed up at our apartment door with her youngest son in tow. Her plan, which was executed perfectly, was to distract my future husband with an afternoon of video games with the little brother while she straightened me out. The boys disappeared into the other room, determined to save some distant galaxy via Nintendo 64 and we settled in on the couch for a “visit.” Amidst the hoots, hollers, laughter, and in-your-face’s coming from the other room, my future mother-in-law proceeded to outline, in great detail, everything she thought was wrong with me, and laid out for me exactly what I would need to do to be good enough for her son. Her issue with me was, well, me. She didn’t like anything about me or my personality. Her solution was simple, I needed to step into the shadow of her son and let him shine…that, after all, was now my job as his future bride. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a oncoming vehicle…a rather large, loud, obnoxious, exhaust spewing vehicle (come on, I know that was petty but the woman’s made my life a literal living hell for 16 years so just give me this one, ok) I sat there, frozen. I didn’t know what to say…I had never been talked to like that before in my life.

As soon as they left, I told him about our “conversation,” expecting that he would be livid over the fact that she had been so insulting, cruel and judgmental, but he wasn’t…he agreed with her. Sensing that this was a losing proposition, I dug in and worked for the next several years to stay in his shadow. I adjusted my life to revolve around his. I took on all the responsibility of raising our son, paying the bills, scheduling the cable guy, calling Service Plus, doing the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, you get the picture, so that he could do his thing. For our entire marriage, he spent most of his vacation days on trips with the guys, while I waited at home, the dutiful wife, keeping things running, and pretending we were the perfect couple and family. In the process of being the dutiful wife, I lost myself, I became a shadow. I became the light in the refrigerator, just sitting there, in the dark, waiting for him to come open the door. Always there, always waiting for him, always trapped. Since I moved out, I’ve come to realize I’m not the light in the refrigerator though. I don’t have to wait for someone else to open the door, I don’t have to spend my life creating light for others while I sit in the dark alone…